Paddy Smashed
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night
Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fokin' smashed," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fokin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fok it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fokin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
thanks Rita
Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fokin' smashed," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fokin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fok it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fokin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
thanks Rita
Catholic Parrots
Sunday, April 16, 2006
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say,"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say,"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
Suddenly we want to be Indians!!!
Thursday, April 06, 2006
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his seat.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip, or pleasure?
"She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention, in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian whois most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck..."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.... "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his seat.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip, or pleasure?
"She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention, in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian whois most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck..."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.... "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
