Bacon tree
Thursday, June 30, 2005
As they stumbled on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spied through the heat and haze, a tree, off in the distance. As they get closer, they began to make out that the tree was draped with slabs upon slabs of bacon. There was smoked bacon, crispy bacon, juicy nearly-raw bacon, bacon of all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe," cried Don Pedro, "Ees a bacon tree! We are saved!"
"You're right, amigo!" said Pepe as he went on ahead and running up to the tree, salivating at the prospect of food. When he got to within five feet of the tree, the sound of machine gun fire erupted and down he went in a hail of bullets. Don Pedro quickly dropped down on the sand and called out to his dying friend, "Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath, Pepe called out, "Run, amigo, run! Ees not a bacon
tree,"..................................
Ees a ham bush."
thank you Cindy
Charm school
Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during
an endless wait in the LAX airport.
The first lady was an arrogant
The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the
husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born,
my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born,
my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious??
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy
for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying:
"Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"
Speeding
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Off icer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet he told you I was speeding too.
call the cops
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said,"Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
thanks Cindy
Weak
Friday, June 03, 2005
Walking into his favorite bar, Mike said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Tom. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit."
thanks Cindy
