Wednesday, March 30, 2005
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to
go down to the principal's office.
He was to t! elephone his mother and ask her what he should do
about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She
went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his
penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said,
"And she told me that if I could stick it
out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
KIDS, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???
Monday, March 28, 2005
This guy is unbelievably funny! He decided to eat some all natural products that he found at a local health food store. Figured they were all natural so what could be the harm. Go there to find out what happened. Another segment has him sick of never having cashiers check to make sure he owned the credit card he was using. So he decided to have some fun and see how long it took to get noticed. Very funny!
The descriptions and color commentary are classic. This guy should do stand up comedy!
You can see that I linked his site on the right. Well worth the visit.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you
been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
Saturday, March 19, 2005
The first man married a woman from Alabama and bragged that he told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning at their house. He said that it took a couple of days; but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes.
The second man married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he gave his wife orders to do the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. The first day he didn't see results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes done, and he had dinner on the table.
The third man married a Minnesota girl. He told her her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes and laundry washed, lawn mowed, and meals on the table. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything. But by the third day, most of the swelling had gone down, and he could see a little out of his left eye...enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and phone a landscaper.
Thanks to Jackie
This cleans up your emails in a few simple steps.
It's free and small and best of all...you don't install it. It just works!
Download it and click on it to use it.
p.s. I like it so much I'm gonna link it to this site!
Friday, March 18, 2005
Ring Ring Ring
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
*** Brief Pause ***
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
*** A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone***
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
*** Long Pause ***
*** Longer Pause ***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? ....... Is this 555-7039??"
Thanks to Cindy
Bubba and Earl
when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each won a prize. Earl
won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba
asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied,
"Great, I love spaghetti!"
Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
Thanks to Cindy
Going to Heaven
Monday, March 14, 2005
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!" "If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
You're fired !
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Yahoo's 10th birthday
Saturday, March 12, 2005
This works also!
so does the title!
Friday, March 11, 2005
The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust. A woman is
either asleep or otherwise out in the front seat passenger side. The driver
was jogging up and down on Rt. 925. (in the background)
Witnesses said their physical/mental state was OTHER than normal. The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the
load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed.
The materials were loaded at Home Depot. Their store manager said they
made the customer sign a waiver. While the plywood and 2X4s are fairly obvious, but what you can t see is the back seat, which contains -- are you ready for this? --
10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each.. They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs.
Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the back shocks were driven through the floorboard.
The car, with FL (naturally) plates, was headed for Clanton, Al. where
the couple presumably planned to build a new house in which to smoke their crack!
Thursday, March 10, 2005
making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very
uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an
There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag
attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.
He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'"
I said, "No shit?"
What a duck wants
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
The First Time With A Condom
Monday, March 07, 2005
She looked all around the store. It was empty. She walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
Thanks Cindy (for the joke)
Why Firefox should be updated
NEW YORK - A new version of the Mozilla Firefox browser fixes a flaw that made users vulnerable to online fraud. The flaw allowed fraudsters to set up fake Web sites with names indistinguishable from legitimate companies.
It worked because, to a Firefox user, a Web address with one Cyrillic letter in place of the Latin-script letters used in English could look indistinguishable from an address written completely in Latin script. For instance, a Cyrillic "a" looks just like the Latin "a," but if used in a Web address, it will send the surfer to a different site.
Firefox 1.0.1, released last week, shows Web addresses with foreign scripts in code, preceded by the letters "xn." So "paypal.com" with a Cyrillic "a" becomes "xn--pypal-4ve.com."
This means that perfectly legitimate Web sites with names in, say, Latvian, will display with the "xn" prefix.
The Mozilla Foundation, which distributes the browser, said the change is temporary, but a long-term solution requires industry cooperation.
The latest "beta" version of the Opera browser, also released last week, makes a similar change. It displays Web addresses in the original script only if they are registered in countries that Opera considers to have proper controls against scam addresses.
Web addresses in foreign scripts do not work in Microsoft Corp.'s Internet Explorer without installing a special plug-in.
received via email...Source unknown
Friday, March 04, 2005
So his two best friends, Jed and Gomer were sent for.
Jed went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Jed said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Jed said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say,
"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
Firefox update alert
Change your oil...save $100
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
The average price for an oil change at the "fast oil change places" is about $30. That's if you don't fall for any of their add on sales.
You need to change oil roughly every 3000 miles...right?
Average mileage in 12 months...15000 miles
That totals up to $150.00
Doesn't sound like much...right?
Change your own oil!
12 quarts of oil on sale...$1.00 per quart= $12.00
2 filters reg. price...$4.oo ea.
Total for two oil changes...$20.00 plus time
5 oil changes per year...average.
You save $100.00
Yes I realize that $100 over the course of a year isn't much.
Pick a nice warm day, drive to an open air parking ramp, drive to the top and get out. Walk over to the edge, dig in your pocket, pull out a $100 and throw it over the side. Now watch as the breeze takes the $100 and sends it elsewhere. Some one might have a happy day but I'm sure you won't !
Change your oil!
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
cool funny jokes
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
Her friend leaned over and said, "I know. I heard it snore three times."
What causes flatulence? Find out