Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouching behind a log. she says, "My what big eyes you have," and the wolf jumps up and runs away.
A little further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a bush. She says," My what big ears you have," and the Big Bad Wolf again jumps up and runs away.
A few milles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a rock. She says, " My what big teeth you have."
The Big Bad Wolf Jumps up and says, " WILL you knock it off? I'm trying to take a shit"!
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
When something is 'new and improved!'.
Which is it?
If it's new, then there has never been anything before it.
If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.
A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He Asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes.
I'll explain WHY later."
The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two Military Police came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.
She replied, "He went that way." After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt And said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go To Iraq." The nun said she can fully understand the fear.
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen The most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either."
Two Swedes - Sven and Ole - got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
Sven and Ole objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same type plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded.
Even on full power, however, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck Sven asked Ole, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah ai tink vi are pretty close to vere vi crashed last yer."