100 Dollar Bill

Two men were driving through Chicago when they got pulled over by a Chicago Police Officer. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Chicago, son," the Officer answered. "When we pull you over in Chicago, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car." "I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm from Wisconsin and didn't know your laws here."

The officer runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license&! nbsp; back. The officer then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the officer smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the officer.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you Cheesehead types," the Officer
says, "two miles down the road you're going to turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!". "Not a problem," replied the doc. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!."

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolut e nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"



"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

Thanks Kay

A Cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy simply said, "Having some problem with them Circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies." So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The cowboy says, "Oh no, trooper. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the Cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."


Thanks Cindy

Check this out.

From original post:

"This is how they grow it in Tennessee . This grow was underneath a
house in a cave. The entrance was through a secret hydraulic door in the
garage that led to a concrete ramp that went about 50 yards into the
ground. Inside the cave was living quarters and a secret escape hatch that
led you through a tunnel that exited via another hydraulic door that
opened up a rock on the outside. It was very elaborate. The set up
allowed them to harvest every 60 days which resulted in multi-million
dollar sales. One of the guys busted was living in a house on the water
in FL and had a nice yacht.
One of the agents here in Nashville worked on this for 5 years
before the warrant was finally served in December."


LINK

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher approached the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.


Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.



Thanks Cindy

This speaks for itself...I think.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Found this guy on flickr and just had to share.
"D"

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" to show PRIORITY!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what

we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

to be continued...

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking,

"Surely I can't look that old!" Well, you are gonna love this one.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years before and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a secret crush on way back then??

When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been my secret crush... or was he???

After he examined my teeth I asked if he had attended MorganPark High School.

"Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" He said, gleaming with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"1959. Why do you ask?" He answered.

"Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

Then that ugly, old wrinkled son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"



Thanks Cindy

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 2005 return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see that
the Pentagon pays $171.50 for hammers and NASA buys $600.00 toilet seats.

I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400.) and six hammers (value
$1029.), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the
overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my
return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips
Head Screw (article from USA To! day detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5"
Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Patriotic Taxpayer