100 Dollar Bill

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a
repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day,
she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the
mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter,
and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't
bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY
circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT
TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking
bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the
dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time
with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any
longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


thanks Cindy

 

 

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"D"

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of dollars for dinner



The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago,"the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.



"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can
get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of
food?"

the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the
homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded "Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a
man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

thanks Jamie

Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a peanut.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry, " Said the doctor. "I really am... I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

thanks Cindy