100 Dollar Bill

60 above

Floridians wear coats, gloves and wooly hats.

Alaskans sunbathe.



50 above

New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.

Alaskan people plant gardens.



40 above

Italian cars won't start.

Alaskan people drive with the windows down.



30 above

Distilled water freezes.

Alaskans store their beer outdoors.



20 above

Californians shiver uncontrollably, even with parkas on.

Alaskans have the last cook-out on the patio before it

gets cold.



10 above

New York landlords finally turn up the heat.

Alaskan people throw on a sweatshirt.



0 degrees

Californians fly away to Mexico.

Alaskans start chopping wood.



20 below

People in Miami cease to exist.

Alaskan people get out their winter coats and fire up

their snow machines.



40 below



Hollywood disintegrates.

Alaskans start to heat their houses.



60 below

Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.

Alaska Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until

it gets cold enough.



70 below

Mt Saint Helen freezes.

Alaskan people rent some videos and "stay in" for the

weekend.



90 below

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Alaskans get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg!



297 below

Microbial life survives on dairy products.

Alaskan cows complain of farmers with cold hands!



459.7 below

All atomic action stops.

Alaskans start saying "Cold enough for ya?"



500 below

HELL FREEZES OVER

Alaskans vote for a Democrat for President

1. Passing gas and blaming it on me... Not funny... Not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A DOG, YOU NUMBSKULL!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... Stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Woooo-Hooooooo! Oh, what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things, We both know who's boss here (you don't see me picking up your poop, do you?).


Thanks Rita

Mr. Smith, After retiring, I went to the local social security office to apply for Social Security benefits. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked into his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home, and told the
female clerk that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home but said that he would go home and get it and come back later."


The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opened his shirt revealing his curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed the Social Security application.


When he got home, he told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. And his wife said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too.

Thanks Cindy

Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late
realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says,

"Fer crissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"


Thanks Cindy

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.At one point, she said....

"Daddy look at this," and she stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy"s gonna eat your fingers!" Pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"



Thanks again Cindy

What would you call this, a Cabbit or a Rabat? Seems kinda scary or wierd I guess.

Sandie began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandie approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandie noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandie offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

My wife left me...


I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup.



I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."



I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

Thanks Cindy