USPS vs UPS
Sunday, April 22, 2007
The USPS and UPS decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the UPS team won by a mile.
The USPS, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the UPS team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering. The USPS team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
So USPS management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. The consultants advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to UPS, the USPS rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 Steering supervisors, 3 Area Steering Superintendents and 1 Assistant Superintendent Steering Manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the, "Voice of the Employee Program," with meetings and dinners for the Management Team and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses for the Management Team. In the end, the only thing that was implemented was the bonuses for the Management Team. The next year the UPS team won by two miles!
Humiliated, USPS management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Management Team as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.
The USPS, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the UPS team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering. The USPS team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
So USPS management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. The consultants advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to UPS, the USPS rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 Steering supervisors, 3 Area Steering Superintendents and 1 Assistant Superintendent Steering Manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the, "Voice of the Employee Program," with meetings and dinners for the Management Team and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses for the Management Team. In the end, the only thing that was implemented was the bonuses for the Management Team. The next year the UPS team won by two miles!
Humiliated, USPS management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Management Team as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.
No.2 Pencil
Friday, April 20, 2007
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in
Catholic school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Paulie who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Paulie came to the rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Paulie came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted...........
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Catholic school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Paulie who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Paulie came to the rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Paulie came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted...........
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Misunderstanding...
Monday, April 02, 2007
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front
door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back
into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she
always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went
inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver
that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my
mother." A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the
bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She
tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her
in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her
fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front
door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back
into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she
always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went
inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver
that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my
mother." A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the
bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She
tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her
in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her
fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
