BLONDE WITH CELL PHONE
Friday, April 29, 2005
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Laura, something nice for their first wedding anniversary.
So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Laura was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Laura went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Laura," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Laura replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."!
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
Thanks Cindy
So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Laura was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Laura went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Laura," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Laura replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."!
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
Thanks Cindy
Baby Planes
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Have your mother explain that to you."
Thanks Cindy
Have your mother explain that to you."
Thanks Cindy
Ghosts
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture of the super- natural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously."
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."
Thanks Cindy
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously."
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."
Thanks Cindy
Pay Attention
Sunday, April 17, 2005
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Thanks Cindy
HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied
Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
THE LOYAL WIFE
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
thanks Cindy
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
thanks Cindy
Monkey Do
Saturday, April 09, 2005
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some
sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of
the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement,
somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and
stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his but, pulls
it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now? He
asks.
" No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it
out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first.
Cheating
An elderly couple were sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "We are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about, tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
She hesitates a while and then says, "Yes, three times."
"Three times? How did it happen?" the man asks.
The wife begins slowly, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, that was really a terrible time," he replies.
The wife continues, "And remember when I went to see the banker one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?"
"It is hard to take," the man says, "but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you. What was the second time?" "
Well," she continues, "do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?"
"Yes, I do," the man replies.
"Then you remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he did your operation at no cost?" the wife continues.
"Yes," says the husband. "That shocks me too, but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you. But what was the third time?"
The wife lowers her head and says, "Remember when you ran for Exalted Ruler of the Elks and needed 62 more votes?"
She hesitates a while and then says, "Yes, three times."
"Three times? How did it happen?" the man asks.
The wife begins slowly, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, that was really a terrible time," he replies.
The wife continues, "And remember when I went to see the banker one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?"
"It is hard to take," the man says, "but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you. What was the second time?" "
Well," she continues, "do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?"
"Yes, I do," the man replies.
"Then you remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he did your operation at no cost?" the wife continues.
"Yes," says the husband. "That shocks me too, but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you. But what was the third time?"
The wife lowers her head and says, "Remember when you ran for Exalted Ruler of the Elks and needed 62 more votes?"
Cowboy
Sunday, April 03, 2005
A lady went into a bar in Waco
up on a table. He had on the biggest boots she'd ever seen!
The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big
feet?"
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady!
Why don't ya come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered.
Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
The woman replied, "Don't be flattered.
Take the money and buy yourself
some boots that fit!"
Thanks Rita
up on a table. He had on the biggest boots she'd ever seen!
The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big
feet?"
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady!
Why don't ya come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered.
Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
The woman replied, "Don't be flattered.
Take the money and buy yourself
some boots that fit!"
Thanks Rita
I like big butts
Friday, April 01, 2005
For dinner on Wednesday night, we decided to go to Lucy's kitchen. (didn't want to cook) Of course there is the usual fighting in the van, between the kids, about where they want to sit. Anyhow we walk into the restaurant and of course we see someone we know from church. This does not bother me. I can see that it bothers my wife though. See the kids are sometimes a little less than well behaved in public places. Waitress comes over, I give her the normal B.S. routine that I'm sure they all get from customers like me. Anyhow, at some quiet time between when we order and when we receive our food, Alex, who is 5(that's him in the pic at the top) in a clear voice, belts out "I like big butts" of course he only knows this part of the verse. (thank you Sir Mix-a-lot and others) I blame Josh (14 yr. old brother) because of some video game he has been playing. Turns out it's in about three movies that have been stuck in an endless loop at our house for about three weeks. Of course in the movies they only play the signature line about the butts not the whole song. Am I thankful? I don't know and I probably don't care. The people we know from church pick this time to get up and leave. Oh-oh, were they offended? Again who cares? They have kids... and if they don't understand, it might suck to be there kids. We ate, paid and left and made Alex mad cause we did not have a quarter for the inevitable vending machine at the front door. Can a guy catch a break?
Google adds another Gig?
A true Gigabyte = 1024 Megabytes. So...2 gig. would equal 2048 meg. All the news services that say that Google/Gmail will add another gigabyte, are actualy promoting a mis-truth(lie). Google/Gmail is really only adding another 1000 meg to their online storage. If I were you(people that complain about everything) I would demand that either Google/Gmail give up the 48 meg of storage or that the reporting services stop reporting a falsehood. We all know that big(in this case huge) business is a favorite target of those who feel somehow cheated. This is B.S.
Leave them alone! Google/Gmail did not have to shell out this. You don't see huge pharmaceuticals giving the consumers anything.(except debt) Oil companies...well you know the drill.
Google has figured out how to make money. If it means more people will use their service, then they will make even more money. Which means they might give even more back to the world. More, meaning quality services. Services you have to pay for else where. Stop bitching! I like FREE...no...I LOVE FREE!
So, keep up the good work, Google/Gmail and keep those others hopping to keep up.
Leave them alone! Google/Gmail did not have to shell out this. You don't see huge pharmaceuticals giving the consumers anything.(except debt) Oil companies...well you know the drill.
Google has figured out how to make money. If it means more people will use their service, then they will make even more money. Which means they might give even more back to the world. More, meaning quality services. Services you have to pay for else where. Stop bitching! I like FREE...no...I LOVE FREE!
So, keep up the good work, Google/Gmail and keep those others hopping to keep up.
