Literal Interpretation
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to
go down to the principal's office.
He was to t! elephone his mother and ask her what he should do
about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She
went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his
penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said,
"And she told me that if I could stick it
out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
KIDS, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???
Thanks Cindy
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to
go down to the principal's office.
He was to t! elephone his mother and ask her what he should do
about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She
went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his
penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said,
"And she told me that if I could stick it
out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
KIDS, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???
Thanks Cindy
ZUG
Monday, March 28, 2005
Have you been to ZUG ?
This guy is unbelievably funny! He decided to eat some all natural products that he found at a local health food store. Figured they were all natural so what could be the harm. Go there to find out what happened. Another segment has him sick of never having cashiers check to make sure he owned the credit card he was using. So he decided to have some fun and see how long it took to get noticed. Very funny!
The descriptions and color commentary are classic. This guy should do stand up comedy!
You can see that I linked his site on the right. Well worth the visit.
"D"
This guy is unbelievably funny! He decided to eat some all natural products that he found at a local health food store. Figured they were all natural so what could be the harm. Go there to find out what happened. Another segment has him sick of never having cashiers check to make sure he owned the credit card he was using. So he decided to have some fun and see how long it took to get noticed. Very funny!
The descriptions and color commentary are classic. This guy should do stand up comedy!
You can see that I linked his site on the right. Well worth the visit.
"D"
Naughty Naughty
Thursday, March 24, 2005
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an ear ring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you
been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
Thanks Cindy
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you
been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
Thanks Cindy
Duties
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man married a woman from Alabama and bragged that he told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning at their house. He said that it took a couple of days; but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes.
The second man married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he gave his wife orders to do the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. The first day he didn't see results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes done, and he had dinner on the table.
The third man married a Minnesota girl. He told her her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes and laundry washed, lawn mowed, and meals on the table. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything. But by the third day, most of the swelling had gone down, and he could see a little out of his left eye...enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and phone a landscaper.
Thanks to Jackie
The first man married a woman from Alabama and bragged that he told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning at their house. He said that it took a couple of days; but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes.
The second man married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he gave his wife orders to do the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. The first day he didn't see results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes done, and he had dinner on the table.
The third man married a Minnesota girl. He told her her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes and laundry washed, lawn mowed, and meals on the table. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything. But by the third day, most of the swelling had gone down, and he could see a little out of his left eye...enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and phone a landscaper.
Thanks to Jackie
Email program
Wanted to share this link to an awesome email fixer type program. Called email stripper. What it does is eliminate all of the < symbols located in forwarded emails.
This cleans up your emails in a few simple steps.
It's free and small and best of all...you don't install it. It just works!
Download it and click on it to use it.
"D"
p.s. I like it so much I'm gonna link it to this site!
This cleans up your emails in a few simple steps.
It's free and small and best of all...you don't install it. It just works!
Download it and click on it to use it.
"D"
p.s. I like it so much I'm gonna link it to this site!
Pig Relief
Friday, March 18, 2005
Click on the Pig For stress relief
Ring Ring Ring
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
RING RING RING
***Pick Up***
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
*** Brief Pause ***
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
*** A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone***
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
*** Long Pause ***
*** Longer Pause ***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? ....... Is this 555-7039??"
Thanks to Cindy
***Pick Up***
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
*** Brief Pause ***
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
*** A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone***
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
*** Long Pause ***
*** Longer Pause ***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? ....... Is this 555-7039??"
Thanks to Cindy
Bubba and Earl
Bubba and Earl, two rednecks from Arkansas, were in the local Wal-Mart
when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each won a prize. Earl
won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long
spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba
asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied,
"Great, I love spaghetti!"
Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
Thanks to Cindy
when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each won a prize. Earl
won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long
spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba
asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied,
"Great, I love spaghetti!"
Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
Thanks to Cindy
Going to Heaven
Monday, March 14, 2005
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven … which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!" "If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
Thanks Rita
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!" "If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
Thanks Rita
You're fired !
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, retires their old CEO and hires a new one.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Yahoo's 10th birthday
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Cruise here to see a cool representation of Yahoo's take on the last ten years of the internet. This includes small things as well as great events that happened during Yahoo's first ten years. Pretty cool format as well!
"D"
This works also!
so does the title!
"D"
This works also!
so does the title!
Friday, March 11, 2005
The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust. A woman is
either asleep or otherwise out in the front seat passenger side. The driver
was jogging up and down on Rt. 925. (in the background)
Witnesses said their physical/mental state was OTHER than normal. The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the
load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed.
The materials were loaded at Home Depot. Their store manager said they
made the customer sign a waiver. While the plywood and 2X4s are fairly obvious, but what you can t see is the back seat, which contains -- are you ready for this? --
10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each.. They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs.
Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the back shocks were driven through the floorboard.
The car, with FL (naturally) plates, was headed for Clanton, Al. where
the couple presumably planned to build a new house in which to smoke their crack!
Cork
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb
making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very
uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in
my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an
oil lamp.
There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag
attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.
He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'"
I said, "No shit?"
Thanks Cindy!
making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very
uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in
my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an
oil lamp.
There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag
attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.
He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'"
I said, "No shit?"
Thanks Cindy!
What a duck wants
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Three ducks walked into a bar. "Say, what's your name?" asked the bartender to the first duck. "Huey," replied the first duck. How's your day been, Huey?" "Great, lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said the duck. "Oh, That's nice." said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck, "Hi, what's your name?" "Dewey!" came the answer from duck number two. "So, how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great, lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want? " So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
Thanks Cindy
Thanks Cindy
Bad Dave
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Dave works hard at the hospital and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave."He's on my basketball team.
"When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says: "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, Big Boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says: "Jeez, Dave, you picked up a real bitch tonight!"
Thanks Cindy
Thanks Cindy
The First Time With A Condom
Monday, March 07, 2005
I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered no, so she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still look confused.
She looked all around the store. It was empty. She walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
She asked, "Do these excite you?" Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on the desk.
"Well come on, we don't have much time." she said. So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that I couldn't hold on and...POW...I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown and said, "Did you put that condom on?" I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
Thanks Cindy (for the joke)
Thanks Cindy (for the joke)
Why Firefox should be updated
NEW YORK - A new version of the Mozilla Firefox browser fixes a flaw that made users vulnerable to online fraud. The flaw allowed fraudsters to set up fake Web sites with names indistinguishable from legitimate companies.
It worked because, to a Firefox user, a Web address with one Cyrillic letter in place of the Latin-script letters used in English could look indistinguishable from an address written completely in Latin script. For instance, a Cyrillic "a" looks just like the Latin "a," but if used in a Web address, it will send the surfer to a different site.
Firefox 1.0.1, released last week, shows Web addresses with foreign scripts in code, preceded by the letters "xn." So "paypal.com" with a Cyrillic "a" becomes "xn--pypal-4ve.com."
This means that perfectly legitimate Web sites with names in, say, Latvian, will display with the "xn" prefix.
The Mozilla Foundation, which distributes the browser, said the change is temporary, but a long-term solution requires industry cooperation.
The latest "beta" version of the Opera browser, also released last week, makes a similar change. It displays Web addresses in the original script only if they are registered in countries that Opera considers to have proper controls against scam addresses.
Web addresses in foreign scripts do not work in Microsoft Corp.'s Internet Explorer without installing a special plug-in.
received via email...Source unknown
Bubba
Friday, March 04, 2005
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body.
So his two best friends, Jed and Gomer were sent for.
Jed went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Jed said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Jed said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say,
"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
Thanks Rita
So his two best friends, Jed and Gomer were sent for.
Jed went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Jed said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Jed said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say,
"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
Thanks Rita
Firefox update alert
For any of you out there that use Firefox browser...beware. The update from 1.0 to 1.0.1 may make all of your favorites disappear. By disappear I mean gone, never to return, c-ya, bye bye. You get the idea. This happened to my stepson Josh. He is not happy! He now refuses to use Firefox and I don't blame him. Firefox is quick to import your Internet Explorer favorites and settings, but does it import your Firefox bookmarks and passwords? I guess not in this case. It just deleted them in favor of installing a new profile. I have promoted Firefox for a year. Told everyone how good it was, how secure it was, how cool tabbed browsing was etc... But I didn't know they would have to be somewhat tech smart to do a simple upgrade. Josh is very smart. Who would expect to have to backup your settings if you were not told to on the main Firefox download screen. I now am afraid to update Firefox. So I'm updating it on another computer just to see what happens. "D"
Change your oil...save $100
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
I've paid for oil changes and I've done them myself.
The average price for an oil change at the "fast oil change places" is about $30. That's if you don't fall for any of their add on sales.
You need to change oil roughly every 3000 miles...right?
Average mileage in 12 months...15000 miles
That totals up to $150.00
Doesn't sound like much...right?
Change your own oil!
12 quarts of oil on sale...$1.00 per quart= $12.00
2 filters reg. price...$4.oo ea.
Total for two oil changes...$20.00 plus time
5 oil changes per year...average.
$50.00
You save $100.00
Yes I realize that $100 over the course of a year isn't much.
Try this...
Pick a nice warm day, drive to an open air parking ramp, drive to the top and get out. Walk over to the edge, dig in your pocket, pull out a $100 and throw it over the side. Now watch as the breeze takes the $100 and sends it elsewhere. Some one might have a happy day but I'm sure you won't !
Change your oil!
"D"
The average price for an oil change at the "fast oil change places" is about $30. That's if you don't fall for any of their add on sales.
You need to change oil roughly every 3000 miles...right?
Average mileage in 12 months...15000 miles
That totals up to $150.00
Doesn't sound like much...right?
Change your own oil!
12 quarts of oil on sale...$1.00 per quart= $12.00
2 filters reg. price...$4.oo ea.
Total for two oil changes...$20.00 plus time
5 oil changes per year...average.
$50.00
You save $100.00
Yes I realize that $100 over the course of a year isn't much.
Try this...
Pick a nice warm day, drive to an open air parking ramp, drive to the top and get out. Walk over to the edge, dig in your pocket, pull out a $100 and throw it over the side. Now watch as the breeze takes the $100 and sends it elsewhere. Some one might have a happy day but I'm sure you won't !
Change your oil!
"D"
Billing
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
cool funny jokes
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
cool funny jokes
Ouch!
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long service at their church.
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
Her friend leaned over and said, "I know. I heard it snore three times."
What causes flatulence? Find out
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
Her friend leaned over and said, "I know. I heard it snore three times."
What causes flatulence? Find out
